MissJacky

This is mostly for myself, just to remember why I have done the things I've done, and why I've cut the ties I have.

2 months ago, I, in a drunken state, confessed to a friend all the problems I had with her, how she made me feel inadequate around her, how she put me down and who I had vented to. I did it when I was drunk because I was too scared to do it sober. Reason being: This friend is highly opinionated, and has a tendency to go against anything that isn't her opinion in a bitchy manner. I have a high regard for reputation, and didn't want to be bitched about to others, so I held my tongue and proceeded to see less and less of her as the months went by. Anyway, after having a talk with her, I vivdly remember telling her that I had in fact said some things about her to my close friends, but was going to let them know that now the issues between us were sorted, and things were going to get better between the two of us. I considered the issue closed and thought we had moved on from it.

A few weeks ago, another friend of mine, (who is also a friend of friend number uno), upset me by telling me I shouldn't aspire for anything more than a Credit in the bridging course I am doing for uni, because "nobody cares anyway". I in fact, did care, and am aspiring for a High Distinction. The fact that my friend was not being supportive highly agitated and angered me, and I let him know. He replied with "ms melodramatic" or whatever, which peeved me off even more, so I decided not to celebrate his 21st with him, as I was so upset I didn't think it was right for me to fake happiness and enthusiasm towards him. After his 21st, he approached me via msn and asked why I hadn't been. Instead of lying to him "I wasn't feeling well/sleeping/whatever" I was honest and said to him, "I didn't go because I'm upset by what you said". This led to him being aggressive towards me for not going and which then launched into him telling me to be happy in my "little world that you have concocted" and blocked me. Well, you can imagine my disgust that he would be too spineless to even continue the conversation, so I messaged him asking if he would care to talk in person so he couldn't just run away. He replied with, "you're not worth the effort" and left it at that. Now I can't remember at what point in time this happened, but he somehow mentioned that friend number one had been talking (bitching?) about me at his party, and they came to the conclusion that even though I held reputation in high regard, I had managed to sully hers to a group of people. Funny that, because I had also said the same things to him that I had told my other close friends and it didn't change his opinion of her, so how would my venting have changed the others' ? I would like to stress that people make up their own opinions, and leave that point at that.

Anyhow, now I am no longer friends with these two people as I feel that they have been disrespectful of my feelings, even when I was blatantly honest with both of them.

This is to remind myself that if I had lied to them both, things would be ok on their end but not ok on mine. To have peace of mind, I had to be honest, and if they couldn't handle the honesty I expressed towards them, then I don't see myself holding any loyalty or friendship to them, because they'll never understand the person I am aspiring to be.